So I Was Just Thinkin' -

Wookin Pa Nub Wednesdays might need to have a blog all to itself.

Don't y'all think?

I've consolidated all of our past Featured Guests for your viewing (ahem) pleasure, beginning with its debut on 9/11/06.

Introducing... A New Feature at BMB*

Is That Seriously The Best Picture You Could Find For Your Profile?

These are actual photos that I found on my favorite online dating site. And no, I'm not looking for a date.


A pic of a guy on the floor on all fours, I just... I dunno. Hey, doesn't he kinda look like Victor from Young & the Restless?










Impressive. But weird.













I might expect to see a dude in makeup on the Men Seeking Men (not that there's anything wrong with that) area of the site, but he's looking for a lady. And perhaps, makeup tips. It's fair to say that some men look really hot in makeup - Johnny Depp, for example, or Nick Rhodes circa 1984. I guess I'm most disturbed by the blue eyeshadow on a person (regardless of gender) with brown eyes.











Look at the difference between the color of his face and the color of his hands.










Dude, if your face hasn't seen a camera since Prom Night '78,
you're probably NOT gonna score.











Words fail me.








And I'd like to set this last guy up on a blind date with my ol' pal Spell Check. I'm pretty sure they haven't met.



KLIK HEAR four hiz profyl.

I probably should have linked the rest of the photos to their profiles. Sorry. I'll do that next time.





Volume 2 9/12/06

Ladies, I do the research so you don't have to.

No need to thank me.

Since we all had such fun last time, I thought I'd post a few more actual profile photos from an actual online dating site.



Check out the bulge on this guy.











Dude, naked pictures come MUCH later in the relationship.
Maybe even, like, never.











What girl wouldn't love to bring this charming gentleman home to meet her parents?










Dude. "Mug Shot" and "Chick Magnet" are sooooooooooooooo far from synonymous, at least in my book.














I sure hope he's going for the obvious cock joke here and not simply posing for a photo with a rooster just for the sake of it.







Volume 3 9/13/06

More reasons to be glad you're married.

Trust me, I'm having just as much fun with this as you are. And so is R, since he looks God-like in comparison.

If you're just tuning in, these are actual profile photos from a popular online dating site.


I kinda wonder if we interrupted something here??









Hope you like casino buffet food!


















That's a beard.















For this guy, it was the two-handed grip on the belt buckle that caught my attention.














And what's sexier than a greasy combover? YEEEEEAH BABY!!!!









Volume 4 9/14/06

It's clearly my destiny to scan the internet for pictures of freaky people "wookin pa nub" in all the wrong places! Wow, and it only took me 30 years to figure out what I was meant to be when I grew up. Too bad it doesn't pay very well.

My daughter is getting into that 4th grade dynamic where little girls are figuring out who their friends are and the Mean Girls are starting to emerge. I was so much like Beeb when I was little, I totally feel her pain and frustration. I don't know if I ever really got over being picked on by the Mean Girls back in the day.

Perhaps that's why I take such delight in pointing out these guys for your amusement. I feel like I'm at the lunchtable with the Cool Kids.


Man boobs. Mmmmmmmmmmmm. Sexy.














He's either deep in thought or his shirt's buttoned up so high it's cutting off his circulation.















Oh my GOD! Billy Chenoweth!!















That's not bad lighting, gals. He's an ape. Personally, I wouldn't let him on my white comforter for fear he'd shed all over it.






Volume 5 9/15/06

Just for Dan!

And Bob. And Ed. And of course, Michael.
And the other guys who read the mindless crap I write.
And hey, let's not forget the women who prefer women!
Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I was honestly planning to introduce a Female version of this Wookin Pa Nub game, cuz Lord knows there's some freaky chicks out there too. I guess I kind of find it harder to be critical of women because I am one, and I sure as hell ain't perfect. But it didn't take me long to feel a WHOLE lot better about myself.

So feast your eyes, guys!


I think this might be Ally Sheedy's mom. Nope, I'm sorry. My mistake. That's Ally Sheedy.









Oooooooh! Looks like somebody won a free sitting at Glamour Shots!














Here's a little bit of Useful Female Insight from me to you, guys. When she sends you a picture of herself with horrible lighting, there's a reason, if ya know what I'm sayin' and I think ya do. Be mindful of the girl who only wants to eat dinner by candlelight and walk on moonlit beaches. She could very well be a troll.














THIS is the expression that Stella chick from Beeb's school wears on her face all the time. I don't think the woman in this picture is doing it on purpose, though.















Doesn't this little hottie look like a fun gal? Something about her says All Night Party! Oh wait - it's the fact that she looks like she hasn't slept in a week. And what's up with the half-eyebrow?




















Mr. Brady snapped this pic of Alice right before her date with Sam the Butcher.












This may be nit-picking just a bit, but I have issues with Scrunchies worn by anyone over the age of 15.










And who does THIS loser think she is??? Whatever!!!!











Volume 6 9/27/06

Is this your favorite recurring theme on BMB?
I gotta tell ya, it's mine.


Donald Trump brought along his personal assistant - Thing from The Addams Family.















"If you don't go out with me, I'll... I'll jump!!! I swear I will!! Why does no one love meeeeeeee????"














Oh, Sweet Jesus.















Hey, look! Satan's little brother put on a toupee and got himself a fake ID!

















Ho Ho... Oh, HELL NO.















This is just WEIRD. Perhaps he should hold back on telling us that his last girlfriend left him for dead.



And I didn't forget the ladies!





Check her out, guys! She cooks! She cleans! She knits! She refnishs furnachir! Oh, and she DROOPS.

Please Note: Dorothy was NOT a member of the Sexy Knitters Club. We have much higher standards.









Roberta believes in planning ahead. In fact, she's already begun the process of pre-enbalming herself.














In her own words, Dianne likes to "cuddy" and she's "easy to get alone with".















Some say looooooooove...it is a riverrrrrrrrr...(That's a young Bette Midler reference, if you couldn't tell by my singing)













"I thought I told you never to bother me when I'm reading Danielle Steele... Oh, Pool Boy, it's you! Fetch me another margarita and a Xanax. And be a lamb and rub my corns, won't you?"

More unsavories next week!


Volume 7 10/4/06

I shouldn't assume that everyone knows what Wookin Pa Nub means. What exactly is Wookin Pa Nub, you ask? It's from an old Saturday Night Live Sketch called "Buh-weet Sings", featuring Young Eddie Murphy as Buckwheat. I tried to find a sound clip for you and I couldn't find one.

UPDATE - CHERYL FOUND IT ON YOU TUBE!

HERE's a transcript.

Or here's the definition from UrbanDictionary.com.

In a nutshell, Wookin Pa Nub means Looking For Love. And that's just what these folks are doing. These are actual profile photos from an actual online dating site, compiled for your amusement.

And I'm feeling particularly generous today.



This guy's username is searchisover. Whatever. I'm pretty sure the search for his neck is still ongoing.









This guy looks like Lando Calrissian's cyborg love child with one of the creatures from the cantina at Mos Isley. And the fact that I just whipped out two Star Wars references in one sentence just totally creeped me out.















I don't think I really need to say anything here.


This guy's a Christian Rocker or something, it appears. He's got 14 pictures on his profile (hence the multi-photo montage), and I had a hard time choosing my favorite, but I just loved the bent-over squat thing in this pic. Like Fabio taking a dump.

And check the rings.





















I can't decide whether or not I actually want to know why this guy is sweaty and naked.













Um... hmmmm... yeah.





Oooh, I love a man with a mullet and a Big Gulp! I just hope my cupholder's big enough to accomodate him, knowhatimean?

Hang on, doesn't it look like this pic came from surveilance footage?



And now, the ladies!



MAN HANDS! MAN HANDS! Oh my GOD, what kind of photographer doesn't crop the hell out of that picture??











Ok, I know it's not funny. But it kinda is.













It looks like Miss Thing works for a cellular provider. Um, Honey... 1986 called, ok?

And from what I remember of high school geometry, her eyebrows are isoceles triangles! How clever!









Like I have time to pick this one apart.












When Self-Tanning Lotions Attack!














And I've saved my favorite for last. Doesn't this gal look EXACTLY like a Blue-Footed Booby?
Check it.



(Special thanks to Thomasina for the Bandersnatch photo link)

And here's a little added bonus: a wacky button for your blog! Don't say I never gave ya nuthin!



PENNY NUBS YOU!



Volume 8 10/11/06

Ok, I'm gonna go ahead and preface this with the disclaimer that I KNOW these aren't nearly as funny as the Blue Footed Booby Girl in last week's post. You're all just going to have to accept her a once-in-a-lifetime phenomenon. Deal.

Let's move on to this week's unsavories. As always, these are actual profile photos from an online dating website.






Again with the scrunchies!
How old ARE you??












Is she snarling on purpose or is her necklace too tight?












That's just an ungodly amount of AquaNet.










Her profile says she's 25.
Riiiiiiiiiiiight.














Nuthin says sexy like a look of total desperation. Is it the ridiculously awkward pose, the exploding poof of bangs, the feeble attempt at a come-hither look through her too-big-for-her-face glasses, the black feathers or the fact that she's probably topless underneath the black feathers that bugs me most about this picture? I can't decide. Oh, wait - I'm pretty sure it's the topless part.








At first glance, I thought, Hey, when did Harry Potter grow Boobs? This is Shannon, posing seductively to give the guys a lil peek at her great rack... and her BOOB ZITS! GIH!!




And now, the guys -





If a grown man in a Boy Scout Uniform isn't creepy enough for you, get this - his username is Goodnsticky. Tell me THAT'S not totally fuckin sick.











Check it out - it's EARL!












What's that collar about? And look on the wall - what's that a map of?
I guess when your dad is Christopher Walken, you can be as weird as you want.












Boy, doesn't this guy look like a fun date? Looks like he just stumbled in after getting his ass kicked in a bar fight.











Cue the 1970's cheesy porn music. Abowchickabow BAAAAA WOW chickabow...












"Oh, come on, Mom! I don't wanna stand by the flowers for a picture. No. NO!!! Awwww, dammit, Mom - fine! CHEESE!!! There, are you HAPPY now?? It's not gonna help me find a girlfriend, Mom. No, it's NOT! I don't CARE if you want grandchildren! Oh, for Christ's sake, shut UP, Mother!!!Ok, that's it! I swear to God, I am TOTALLY going to move out of the basement - really, really soon!"




Volume 9 9/18/06

Sometimes I worry that eventually I'll log into my favorite online dating site and there will be no more freaks for me to post for you. Then I wake up and realize that there is clearly an endless pipeline of WPN fodder. Hooray!

Keep in mind that these people CHOOSE these pictures to be someone else's first impression of them.



"Hello? Yeah? Omigodareyouserious? Seriously? Hang on... I'll have the salmon. THE SALMON. Oh, I'm back. No, I'm not busy, I'm just on a date..."












Let's see... eyes closed, eating, wearing a cow-print jacket, three strikes and yer out, sistah. (Damn, and I didn't even get to snark on the Dollar Store fake Lladros in the Curio.)













This lady looks like she tried out for the role of Regan in The Exorcist but, unfortunately, she was a little scarier than what the directors had in mind for THE SCARIEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME.

What's that? Well, no, my mother does NOT suck cocks in hell, thank you very much.








I don't know what her tank top is all about and I don't care. I'm just tickled by the prominent placing of the Fly Swatter in this photo.








Ok, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that Miss Thing's last beau was NOT a dentist.

















I totally love when I don't even have to come up with a witty comment to make it funny.















Normally, I would have an issue with a creepy-looking dude posting a picture with himself and some little kids in it, but I'm pretty sure these kids are older than I am now.










Oh, so THAT'S what happened to Bobcat Goldthwait!












And this sexy man was sent in by loyal WPN luvvah, RuthlessNeverRuthie! My very first reader-submitted WPN candidate! Woo hoo!!!


The comedy here, believe it or not, isn't so much about the picture as what the guy writes about himself.

"i like to model for college art classes, i am a home nudist, i enjoy posing for photos, i like working on computers and i also sell insurance"

Now, I don't know 'bout ch'all, but the thought of a fuzzy, fat, nekkid insurance salesman is pretty much the ickiest thing I can think of right now. It's good to know that he's a "home nudist" and not an "office nudist", but it's unclear whether "home nudist" is exclusive to his home. I mean, what if he comes over to my house to discuss my insurance policy options???


And finally, this wasn't on the online dating site, but this dude was definitely aiming to make an impression. Here ya go.